I have that feeling again, trembling with fears, trying to calm myself choking back tears, im trying to free myself im trying to flee, i don't want these feelings and i hate being me. i need to escape this place to find a fate less filled of hate, i need to escape i need to get away. im scared im angry, im fragile im deadly cold and pale i hate everything that i love soo very very much.  i can't control this mind its slipping away from me, in its place i don't know what i will find but its nothing short a freak. help me not be myself the person ive loved to be, how can i live in hell and sometimes feel at peace. im drowning in my own shallow insecurities and no one sees my face im here before you, a part of this wretched race. im calm im collected im sweet and im innocent, boiling beneath my skin years of tears hidden with lament. i wanted to cry out i wanted everyone to know, that i hated this world and inside i was cold. but i can't let myself show, and i think thats why i panic. when my calm smooth fingertips tremble my voice stretches in anguish, i cant stop the shaking i cant start breathing again, my words come out too fast im losing it again. im scared and im angry, i want to be ok, i want to be alive i feel so dead inside and ive always known why.  these people i love this humanity i want so hard to be a part of; is nothing like me and i just can't help but hate you all for it. i just can't help but want to cry every day but i know that i cant.  everyone views me as weak. im soft spoken, im polite, im quiet and im nice. im taken advantage of im seen to be naive, im angrier than any of you believe. my hatred is spilling leveling off at the edges, in my blood it is boiling inside i am fire inside i am hatred. but i cant stop myself from shaking i can't help myself but to get confused. all this world is quaking in the innocense of the abused. and im hungry to hurt you all as silently as ive screamed im dying to know you'll all be heard crying in my hellish dreams.  and deep, deep behind this fueled outraging anger, this thirst to kill you all and tear your flesh inch by sickening inch, is me.. a little boy curled in a ball crying his out, wishing the world was a beautiful place. wishing that my innocense and quiet calm sense of being could be understood and even cherished. wishing he were loved for who he is. and all the while dying silently in the heart of my mind. engulfed in all this rage, tormented by ages of lust lies and deception. my only calm serenade is nature. the only tranquility left in this broken mind.  im losing grip its harder to be who i am. each day it seems i get better, and inside it gets soo much worse. and here i am snapping alone with my feelings of distrust and heartache. when the world cracks in two. will i be the only one to hear it, will anyone see me tremble with reluctant acknowlegement that this life was not meant for me. these places all this STUFF we have cluttering up this beautiful world. my sin. Vanity. and when i lie to myself i say.. all i wanted was to be loved.

I wanna scream i wanna cry. how am i so fucking stupid when i get anxious. Why cant i talk to new people. why can't i express myself freely any time i know someone is really paying attention to me. why do i always feel so fucking stupid around half way intelligent people. i am tired of being around idiots, yet thats what i feel i have become socially. socially awkward at least. i can't talk to new people. females the worst.  WTF is up with that. What stops my brain from functioning, what makes my heart run cold trying to leap at my chest. why do i feel every nerve ending in my face and see their eyes washing over me, knowing they are so attentive to my every gesture and feeling. why do i have to understand what people are thinking why do i read it in their face. and why does it paralyze me knowing every action i make affects them affects the conversation, word choice body language, timing placement i fucking hate this mind. Why can i see everything so clearly and it all goes blank in a frenzy of anxious flippant fucking retardation.  I truly hate myself. Could i only close my eyes to what ive opened them to. i don't want to understand i don't want to feel this way.  It stops me from interacting, it tears me down from the inside, my words become meaningless my thoughts revert to nothing, i hear a voice that i can't quite connect with and words i didn't mean to say in a slurr of excitement.  I feel my mind cutting corners just to get the point across when SOO accurately if i were not feeling these feelings i could express every everlasting detail without a stutter without the slightest of pause in confusion.  How can i stop myself from being affected by this crippling feeling.  i hate myself for it. im so fucking articulate, i can speak so well when i have the words. but put me under the slightest bit of pressure and i become a bumbling fucking idiot. i hate myself. why do people affect me? is it because i care? do i care that fucking much i don't want to look like an idiot so i go and make myself look like one for shits and giggles. Im so tired of humanity society judgements. all of it.  i just want to find peace of mind i just want to find that spot inside of me that makes me glow and run as fast as i can with it. Fear paralyzes me. i can't handle this. im going to burst from inside, start cutting my face open and ripping this body to shreds. i hate with such unrivaled passion one would only see such devotion in but a single other place and that is in how i love.  Love turns to hate. caring turns into loathing, sadness turns to anger, loss into negative gain  and all the while i want to curl up in a ball screaming and crying that this world is a terrible place.  I block soo much out every day just so i can try to find some bitter happiness. so i can go on living this pathetic life we all strive for in society.  mean while we destroy all of our resources. herd animals to slaughter them so we can grow fat from their tortured meaningless lives ending in a cruel murder.  We destroy nature to build more cities for all these fucking people. all these heartless fucking people that want to be loved and they have their own dreams and aspirations yet unknowingly they destroy the world they find so beautiful. i hate this sick fucking cycle. i don't want to be apart of it. yet i strive just to be happy and i can't find that i'll nevr find that truly. we are creating a hell. USE USE USE and what will be left when we are done. its all hopeless. its all so bitterly hopeless that nothing can be right when you feel the pain of the ones with no voices to call out for themselves. i am not weak. but i feel weak, am i weak mentally emotionally physically what am i? who am i? how much money do i  make where do i live what kind of clothes do i where, is my music better than yours. am i rich am i poor do i do drugs am i straight edge. am i ghetto hip cool goth punk emo scene preppy nerdy smart mean funny dark mysterious happy sad complacent.  where am i going where have i been what impact will i leave what movie comes out next week. who is famous who is popular why does it matter and everyone cares bustling about in their own minds stealing their time from something somewhere an existent meant to be blessed freedom of choice. the choice to hate the choice to belittle one another, the choice to hurt, restrain, steal  have longing lust heartbreak emotion past present future, cars bikes gas taxes food luxuries red carpet or blue carpet venti or grande buy and sell our souls for what time? time taken away for work poor wages and a shitty manager or a great manager and good money what is the price of time what is it worth how much do we have is it even real. does nay of this matter and why do i fucking care. i hate. i hurt. i think too much. people don't like me because i have NO SELF CONFIDENCE. im 6 feet tall im not fat, im not skinny. im average. im really smart. im not extremely good at anything. im better than average at everything. my interests vary i like it all. my ONE driving force is love.  and the lack there of brings me to hate. Why can't everything be as simple as nature. true unjudging and always beautiful. no one cares. not even me. we are all lost souls. So very lucky there is no balance to weigh ourselves between good and evil. if when we died there truly heaven and hell. there would be no one in heaven to keep god company.  we are all selfish, self righteous no one does anything for kindness. and i can't be that person. i can't hold myself above that bar. i hurt to much i act rashly i can't control my emotions i have pent up hurt and anger. and one day i will explode if i can't lose all this and im so afraid of what someone soo shy caring and loving will become or have i not already become that person. Fuck me.

I seriously kinda want to cry. im so frustrated with everything. Its like there is soo much to do when you are on the right path in life, yet when you're not life is soo simple.  No wonder people say Fuck expectations.  im not going to back down now. but things are getting complicated fast. I want to better myself. I want to be the best i can be.  But when you start out at the bottom, there are so many things to do to get on your way up.  I just feel overwhelmed.  I feel like i cant do this alone.  I know i have people backing me.  I know that im not alone. this is all just so frustrating though.  It seems like i could fill every day with a thousand things to do, and all for a hope a dream of something i don't even know is going to be there at the end of it.  I have to put all my thoughts and all these things into order. i have to unfailingly get up every day and do what is expected of me.. what i expect of myself.  Sometimes its not that easy.. sometimes i feel like im pathetic.  I want to catch a break, but at the same time, i know that i don't want this to be easy.  I want to feel like ive achieved something when im done with all this.  Even still, im going to get lost in all these goals set before me.  I just have to take it one step at a time.  I have to get through school. i have to pay my bills. i have to network myself for my field. i have to find an entry-level job in my field. i have to join and attend user group meetings, i have to join and attend organizational meetings. i have to get over my fear of social situations, i have to learn more than just what i am taught at school, i have to be better than other people, i have to build a portfolio, i have to succeed.                

  "I will do this.  Nothing in my life matters except this.  No moment in my life exists except this moment.  I am born in this moment, and if i fail, i will die in this moment."  -Raistlin Majere

btw, i was really upset and found this site. this is my first blog in a fluster of emotion

I try to hide it, it keeps coming back. i try to find a way to express myself so someone will listen but it skews relationships changes the way people look at me. Im normal, we're all normal. We all harbor thoughts of dark and light, no one is perfect. Im trapped in myself i can't leave i cant get away from this beautiful but dark mentality.  Im scared sometimes, im scared that no matter how much i do to make it better i'll fall short again. It takes soo long and soo much to make your life something.  Its so easy to fall back into the dark, so easy to stay there.  I gave up drugs. I thought i wouldn't want to die if i stopped drugs.  It worked a little.  I think im bipolar. i hate people that come up with fake mental illnesses and wine that that is the excuse for their actions.  Sometimes i cant stop thinking about killing myself.  Sometimes i can't stop thinking about killing other people.  Sometimes im struggling not to scream and cry in the middle of a sentence when outwardly everything seems fine.  Ive gotten so good at hiding my emotions.  It seems like we are taught to do that. People; society, doesn't accept you for breaking down in the middle of everything.

I know how my past affects who i am. i know that the things i have seen and the things that have happened to me ultimately have outlined the person i have become and the way i view this world.  But why is it i can seem soo okay and then fall back to how i feel.  Such rage pent up inside i can't let go.  I don't want sympathy.  I don't want a reassuring hand on my shoulder to tell me its ok.  I want to feel that its ok. I want to feel that i don't hate anymore.  I want all these words in my head to make sense and to not feel trapped inside. 

ive always been afraid of death. so scared that i would die and never have another thought in this mind again.  Yet i want to die so very badly.  i want to have nothing to do with this world and to disappear from existence.. and yet that is what i fear.  How conflicting i am constantly within myself.  Ive spent soo many years of my life reaching out to people.  Always hoping that eventually i would find someone that was in any way like me.  but no one is there. in every person ive confided in and gotten close to ive found how much i despise humanity. 

I feel divided inside, almost perfectly.  Between good and bad. Im extremely good at both.  But im trying soo hard to only be good.  Yet it feels like literally cutting myself in half. Like im splitting myself and trying to become something im not.  Im such a quiet timid person.  Most people say im "soft-spoken" kind-hearted and lacking in self confidence.  I hate that.  partially because they are right.  I am a strong person, but it comes out in anger. it comes out in ways i don't want it to.

I used to think i was looking for love in this life.  Sometimes i think that if i found a person that accentuated how i feel they would temper my soul like the forging of a sword into steel.  That thought holding me from dropping back into the shadows of my heart.  I hate my words, they betray me with their honesty.

Something that really bothers me. Often i find that only unattractive people find me attractive.  I don't feel unattractive but i think i am.  I think i am because of that previous statement.  I have so many different feelings going through my head right now, this entire blog is near pointless.  i can only let out bits and pieces of thought at a time.  Im angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, hurt, lost, enclosed, scared, and personally tormented.  I want to scream with every ounce of my breath, because i know that the act itself will release chemicals into my brain causing a slight sense of euphoria and masking the pain inside of me.

Im not unique or special. im not even worth the ground i walk on(i feel that no human is for that matter) i just need to express myself i need to be completely real somewhere in an entirely fake world. i don't know if  i will find that here, or anywhere.  but i see what i can become and i want to be beautiful but i fear being ugly. and that is not a physical state of mind.

I hate.